Available at Your Local Liquor Store…NOT

I need to have a professional film studio on retainer, I really do. Or at least the phone number of a really competent film school student. I can come up with some fun ideas for the next viral video…and no way to actually film the durn thing!

Case in point: the office bull session from a few days ago. You know, those half-hour conversations where no work might get done but is indispensable to team bonding. It might not be in any of those “6 Habits of Highly Productive Cubicle Drones” books but I maintain that if you can’t get along and bounce stupid silly ideas of each other, you can’t be good brainstormers about the real work stuff.

Somehow, the topic of the end of the world came up and we came up with the idea of keeping around a really good bottle of Scotch…because, when the apocalypse comes, you’re gonna want at least one good belt in ya before showing up at the long line outside St. Peter’s gates. Statistically speaking, that’s the smart bet…we wouldn’t call it an “apocalypse” if just any old Tom, Dick, or Harry makes it through. Short leap from there to creating an actual Scotch designed to be kept around for the Big Finish. And an even shorter leap (leapette?) to the marketing campaign for Apocalypse Scotch (aged 15 years, product of Scotland).

Of course, the label doesn’t go on a bottle…it goes on a hermetically-sealed, stainless steel container designed to withstand most apocalypses…apocalypsi…whatever.

That’s where the film crew comes in. Someone to actually film these fake ads, post them on YouTube or wherever, and just sit back while they go viral. Then Joss Whedon sees them and calls me up about helping him write Dr. Horrible 2 or Avengers 3 or…but I digress. Suffice to say, it would speed things along if I could just get these filmed and on the internetz.

1. SCENE: A small town’s sheriff’s office (think Mayberry). Outside the frosted glass of the door, several shadowy hands claw at the door; hideous zombie moaning can be heard. A frantic deputy: “Jeez, Sheriff…them undead monsters are everywhere, we ain’t getting out of here. Why’d we even come back here??”

Seated at his desk, the Sheriff calmly opens a desk drawer, pulling out a bottle of APOCALYPSE SCOTCH (label visible to camera). “Because I always wanted to try this stuff.” Lazy drawl. “No time like the present.” He pours two glasses, hands one to deputy, then downs it in one gulp, coughs (it’s good Scotch). Says tagline: “Worth waiting for!™”

Cut to closeup of bottle label on desk. Voiceover: “Apocalypse Scotch. When there absolutely, positively, is no tomorrow.” Zombies clawing at door, breaking glass, visible in background behind bottle.

Cut back to Sheriff, who wipes his mouth with back of hand and stands up. Nametag visible: Jenkins. He picks up shotgun, pump-action, rounds chambered. “Ok, let’s DO this!” END.

2. SCENE: Suburban development, man in suit walks out if his house. As he approaches his car, sky lights up and angelic music plays. Shocked, he looks around to see hundreds of people rising into the air. The Rapture has come…he looks down at his feet. Nope, no rising. He shrugs, goes back into house, returns quickly with bottle & glasses in hand. He looks over at neighbor, who’s wearing a bathrobe, holding a rolled-up newspaper. He pours two shots, hands one to neighbor; they clink glasses and drink, watching everyone rise up. “Worth waiting for!™”

Cut to bottle label, sitting on lawn. Voiceover of “no tomorrow” tagline. Angelic music fades to silence.

Cut to view from above, looking down on the two men, still looking up into the sky as light fades. Suit says “Guess I shouldn’t have made my dog poop in your yard all those times.” Robe says “Guess I shouldn’t have been banging your wife the last six months.” END.

3. SCENE: City street, block party, people dancing in street. Banner reads “12/21/2012…World’s Not Ending Party”; everyone’s dancing around having a good time. Suddenly, earthquake…and the street cracks open, flames shooting up. Out climbs a giant (3 stories high at least) Mayan priest with red glowing eyes and a flaming stone sword. It immediately starts destroying everything. Man and woman in upper floor apartment look down, mouths agape. One gets bottle, pours two glasses, they drink as the Mayan starts climbing their building, smashing through walls. “Worth waiting for!™”

Cut to bottle label on windowsill, shaking in time to loud crashing noises, getting closer. Voiceover “no tomorrow” tagline.

Cut to street level, banner falling to street, on fire…the “12/21/2012” is visible as it flutters down. More giant Mayans visible destroying city in background. END.

4. SCENE: Suburban development. Man on lawn gaping down hill at city with giant saucer over it (think Independence Day). With blast of laser, saucer destroys city utterly. Focus on man, mouth open…several seconds pass, then wind and dust sweep past him, shocking him out of his reverie. He goes inside (camera following), gets bottle & pours, belts it down. “Worth waiting for!™”

Cut to bottle label, kitchen counter. Voiceover “no tomorrow” tagline. TV in background, with frantic anchor and flashing “Breaking News!” then sudden static.

Cut to man, about to drink again. He stops, looks up as shadow falls outside (visible through windows, ominous humming noise getting louder). Completely dark in house. END.

That’s all I’ll put down, before I get too tedious. Of course, you read this far… There were more, believe me…we just couldn’t stop riffing, fast and furious! When we finally made ourselves stop, there were TWELVE ads (Giant meteor! Supervolcano! Noah’s Ark! Nuclear war! Al Gore & “I told you so.”! etc.)  and we could’ve gone for twenty, easy.

Blogger’s Note: Special Sunday edition! I wrote this Thursday, meant to review & post on Friday…but I just never got around to it, what with driving from DC to WV. Which, as it turns out, is a real shame: Friday was National Scotch Day! Ah well, guess I shouldn’t be so lazy.

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